But over the years we’ve realized that emotional labor shows up everywhere, including in tech teams. Any time people can’t fully express what they’re feeling, some degree of emotional labor is happening. It often falls on the team lead’s shoulders, but not exclusively; any member of a team can find themselves carrying this hidden load.
Two kinds of emotional labor
Experts often divide emotional labor into self-focused and other-focused.
- Self-focused: When you regulate your own emotions to match the job. This can be surface acting (putting on a smile while you’re stressed) or deep acting (convincing yourself to feel more positive so your reaction seems genuine). Both consume mental energy.
- Other-focused: When you carry the responsibility of keeping the peace in your team. Maybe you bite your tongue to avoid conflict, or you’re the one who smooths over tension so others don’t have to. Over time, this extra work often falls on a few individuals, especially those seen as “the calm one” or “the peacemaker.”
The reality is that jobs demanding high levels of emotional labor, whether client-facing or within tough team cultures, take a toll. In my view, emotional labor is sustainable only when:
- the effort is light,
- it is shared fairly across the team, and
- it is mostly self-focused.
When emotional labor becomes intense, unevenly distributed, and heavily other-focused, morale suffers. That’s when we see stress, fatigue, cognitive dissonance, reduced self-confidence, and eventually burnout.
Emotional labor in teams
High-performing teams, especially in software development, usually already enjoy psychological safety and healthy communication practices, which allow emotions to be expressed more freely. But even in those environments, someone may still end up carrying too much of the invisible emotional work, and it can be draining. That’s why it helps to define what an unfair share of emotional labor looks like in the context of teamwork.
An unfair share of emotional labor happens when one or two people consistently absorb the responsibility of managing team emotions and dynamics, while others contribute little to that invisible work. In other words, the same few people keep the team afloat, at the expense of their own mental energy, while others simply ride the wave.
Signs you’re carrying too much
You might be doing an unfair share of emotional labor if you:
- Frequently mediate conflicts or soothe tensions.
- Modulate your emotions to avoid rocking the boat.
- Track everyone’s triggers and adjust your behavior to protect others.
- Are often asked to “fix” situations or calm down upset colleagues.
- Feel pressure to always be positive, no matter what.
- Step in to help even when it’s not your responsibility.
- Regularly provide emotional support or advice.
- Let subtle offenses slide to keep the peace.
- Absorb client frustration to shield your team.
When one person consistently takes on these responsibilities, it’s not only exhausting for them — it also prevents the team from building resilience together.
Tips to manage other-focused emotional labor
- Acknowledge it. Start noticing the moments you take on emotional work. Awareness is the first step.
- Get perspective. Talk with a coach or your team leader. What would actually happen if you didn’t smooth things over? Sometimes the team needs to face conflict to grow.
- Speak up. Within Scrum, Retrospectives are a safe place to share how this invisible work is affecting you. Naming it helps balance the load.
- Own your feelings. Practice saying “Here’s what I observed, and here’s how it made me feel.” This keeps you focused on your experience instead of controlling the team’s mood.
- If you lead a team, create safety. Make space for emotions as part of your culture. When people can express frustration, joy, or disagreement without fear, conflict gets resolved earlier and resentment doesn’t snowball.
Final thought
Emotional labor isn’t inherently bad — it’s part of working with people. But when it’s heavy, uneven, and invisible, it quietly drains teams. By naming it, sharing the responsibility, and creating a culture where emotions can be expressed safely, we can turn it from a hidden burden into a shared skill that strengthens the team.
